Lesson #1

So I totally have a stack of essays that MUST be graded tonight, but I have so many thoughts rumbling around in my brain that I can't really focus, so I hope that if I just write something, my fog will clear, and I can actually be more productive in the long run...a girl can hope anyway.

I actually have quite a few "blogs" in my head, but I'm going to try to focus and be concise...at least as concise as an English teacher can be. God has really been dealing with me in a variety of ways here lately, so here goes Lesson #1....I can hopefully make time to write about the others later.

Genesis 3:4-6: "You will surely not die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it."

I'll come back to these verses in a few minutes, but earlier this week Scott and I were discussing a few areas that God had really been putting on our hearts....mainly about the feeling of entitlement that so many of the people we come in contact feel. There seems to be an overwhelming attitude these days that we have more rights than we do. Last week at the Casting Crowns concert, Mark Hall explained that grace is God giving us what we don't deserve, and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve. While I have heard these definitions before, this time, God used them to get into my heart and my head. All week, I have really been aware of all that I do not deserve. God is so giving. He pours out so many blessings on me, and I am so unworthy. I deserve nothing, yet He gives me so much.
While seemingly unrelated, I promise the parts will come together eventually...Scott and I got into a conversation yesterday about relationships with others. We were talking about why it seems like men have an easier time forming meaningful relationships when really all they do is play sports and video games. It's like they instantly bond. But for women, it's harder. Women have to cut through all the junk...the insecurities, the competitiveness, the pettiness, the cattiness, the manipulation, the selfishness....etc. A group of men can play a pick-up game of basketball, say all of 2 words to each other the whole time, and they've made new friends. Sometimes women have to go months to get through all the dribble before they ever get to that phase.
So how do all these things fit together? Well, while discussing this attitude of entitlement, I asked why it so often seems like Satan attacks the fellowship of women (gossip and business being my primary examples). I know that so often I can get bogged down in the "it's all about me" mentality, and I forget that I deserve nothing. I am supposed to serve God by serving others. It's not about what I deserve or what makes me comfortable or what will yield the greatest gain for me personally. Honestly, it's not even about what I want to do...it's about what I need to do. Beth Moore said in her simulcast a few weeks ago that at the end of the day, people will do what they want to do. I don't want to be the person who does that. I want to be a woman who does what He wants me to do. I want to be of service to Him. I want to decrease so He can increase.
So let's go back to Eve. When I asked Scott the question about Satan and women, he reminded me that Satan didn't go to Adam...he went to Eve, knowing that she would fall under the pressure. As I looked to those verses in Genesis, I saw that Eve fell to the same pressures that I and so many other women succumb to. My paraphrase...Eve come on...eat the fruit...you aren't going to die. God just knows that you will be wise and will be like Him. Come on Eve...you deserve it." And then she totally fell for it because she thought... "Well it is food, and it does look good, and I would like to have wisdom." In other words, I totally deserve to eat from this tree. I know I know...that's not a scholarly interpretation of the passage, but satan knew that he could tempt Eve by questioning God's word and playing on her desire for wisdom and power. While it isn't spoken, I don't think Eve would have been tempted if she didn't feel that she deserved this attributes. She started twisting God's commandments around. She brought her husband down with her and then she tried to shirk responsibility with the now-classic "Satan made me do it" line.
I think so much of my sin is a result of me feeling like I deserve more than I do. As a result, Satan gets that foothold and can more effectively tempt me into sinful behavior and thought patterns. I deserve down-time so I forgo my quiet time. I work hard, so I deserve praise and toot my own horn. I deserve well-behaved children, so I lose my patience. I deserve a clean house. I deserve an attentive husband who fulfills all my needs, so I nag. And then I start justifying it all...I deserve it all because look at all I do around here.....Yep I know I'm guilty of saying that a lot. But if I'm doing it for my own glory and to get what I "deserve," I am really doing it all in vain.
And then weeks like this one come along, and that still, small voice whispers a reminder that I deserve nothing. I am a filthy sinner who was bound for hell, but because of His mercy, He rescued me from what I truly did deserve. And because of his grace, He continuously pours out more than I ever could.

Perfect People

I would absolutely love to be perfect. I would love to have the perfect house (you know the one that sparkles with clean), the perfect kids (the ones who always obey and never have bad days), the perfect marriage (where we just laugh and gaze into each other's eyes instead of arguing about socks on the floor), etc. The truth is that it is so easy for me to see the imperfections in my own life, all the ways that I fall short, all the ways that I'm not cool enough or patient enough or selfless enough. It's easy for me to look at others and think that they have it all together, that maybe at their house their laundry doesn't spontaneously reproduce in the hamper when nobody's looking. Even Facebook can sometimes lead to this inferiority complex....after all on Facebook, the family pictures are beautiful, everyone's with their friends at cookouts and birthday parties, or at the lake, or on the beach....No one takes a picture of the piles of toys in the living room or the stack of dishes in the sink.
This is definitely an area I feel like God has been dealing with me about for the past several months. Last month, it was the topic of devotion at a girls' night out. Then as I was reading this month's Today's Christian Woman, there was an article on this very topic. The bottom line is that the more I focus on what others think about me, the less I focus on what my Savior thinks. I get so caught up in the drama....I want to convince people to agree with me, I don't want to go against the grain, I nod agreement even if I'm not sure I agree. Why? Because I do care what others think. I want people to welcome me into their circle. But as one article I read says (and I'm summarizing here) if I'm focusing on impressing, I'm not focusing on being a blessing. In an attempt to become more liked, I am actually buildling barriers of fakeness, and I'm not allowing others to see the real me.
While we were at the beach, I heard the new Natalie Grant song, and again it just reemphasized this challenge. It is such a reminder to me that if God is okay with my imperfections (afterall He created me right?), why should I worry about what other people think? Why should I get so caught up with the comparisons and the "church face" that I don't allow myself to relax and just be me.

"Perfect People"
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

[CHORUS:]There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again

[CHORUS]

Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out let grace be enough

[CHORUS]

It is comforting to know that there are no perfect people (I'm not the exception). But it is even more comforting to know that I do serve a perfect God, and through Him, my imperfections are healed. I am still in the process of learning this lesson...maybe I'll take a picture of what my living room really looks like and upload it to Facebook. Or maybe not.

Home Sweet Home

The end of July will mark 7 years that Scott and I have been living in the Upstate. What a transition that was...in fact, when we packed up that U-Haul and headed to what would later be known as our "ghetto apartment," we were cautious, uncertain, and frankly we didn't want to move. We were happy where we were. We were active healpers with the youth group back home, we had great friends, we had family, but God had different plans for us, and once we were sure, we set off for the unknown. The first months were so hard as we struggled to find our footing as a married couple and pretty much all alone in a new place. We made a few friends, more superficial than anything, and I was homesick. After about a year it started to get better. Very unexpectantly, while sitting at the music program at Scott's school, I made a friend (yay for Sarah!). The next year at Clemson, I finally found someone who loved Jesus (yay for Alicia!). Both, it must be noted, are still very special people to me today. That second year, we found a great church home and started making friends there. But it seemed like there was still something missing....we reached a plateau, and it seemed like even though we knew a lot of people and were pretty busy, we didn't have in-depth relationships with very many people. I must say though that as the last year as passed, and I can't even really explain the difference completely, God has opened up the opportunities to build stronger relationships. Our family still doesn't live nearby. I still miss my family and love our visits. But I do feel like we have an extended family here. There are so many people (and everyone on our SS list counts here) that I know I could call if I needed something, and they would have our back. I am so thankful for that. We have people around us who shine the light of Jesus and who genuinely love the people around them. We laugh....sometimes we cry....we eat....we complain (well, we are human).....we talk about our kids.....we have fun.
It's nice to be able to look back and see how God has worked....God led us here seven years ago...we had no idea what to expect, we had no idea how long He would keep us here (we still don't), we had no idea what He would call us into. But looking back, we can see that He knew each person He would bring into our lives to help fill the void of moving away. He clearly brought people to us who would love on us and love on our children. 7 years ago, I wasn't sure I wanted us to be obedient. 7 years later, I am so glad we were.

Just Because it Takes Work Doesn't Mean it's a Job

So often I catch myself talking about motherhood or marriage as full-time jobs. By my count, I could probably name about 5-6 full-time jobs I have on a daily basis....teacher, mother, wife, housekeeper, chef...Of course, the list sometimes gets longer, and I don't always excel at al of the jobs all of the time. Honestly, I have felt that this has been an accurate way to describe the amount of time that each "job" consumes, obviously to emphasize my "supermom" status or soemthing equally as ridiculous. I've even heard Dr. Dobson (and dare I say the famed Dr. Laura) talk about how moms can't be full-time workers and full-time moms. Well, that, too, implies that being a mom is a job.
However, I am finding that I have been thinking about this all wrong. I'll start first with the "job that brings in actual income. If I look at teaching at NGU as a "job," of course I start to feel that mommy guilt for not being with my kids 24/7, or it makes it much easier to complain about everything on my to-do list. But I view it as what it is....God's perfect calling on my life to fill that role for such a time as this, my perspective has to change. After all, if I truly believe that every student is in my classroom by divine appointment (sometimes it's really easy to forget this), then my "job" isn't really a job at all. It's a ministry. It's a calling. It's a mission.
The same thing goes with my marriage and my kids. If I daily look at these "positions" as "jobs" that require much of me and do little for me, then my attitude is going to be negative. I'm going to feel like I just have a list to check off rather than enjoying the joyous moments. I'm going to lose sight of the fact that God brought Scott and me together many years ago and that it was by His calling, not our own, that we were led togehter. God grant us two beautiful children. Motherhood isn't a job (although it can certainly seem like it). It's a blessing. It's a gift from God to be able to look into the little faces of my precious children and hear Rebekah say "I love you" and Matthew say "Mama." It should bother me when I hear people, even professionals, talk about motherhood as a profession. It doesn't matter if I "work" at NGU or if I stay home every second with my kids. If I feel that every minute of my time with them is a "job," I'm not going to have the impact on them that God calls me to have.
As for the housekeeping and chef part, well I still think they are jobs. Sure, I could spiritualize and say that they are both callings, and I am to keep my home in order so that I can serve God more fully. But honestly, I like to think that if Eve hadn't eaten that piece of fruit, we probably would all have housekeepers or houses that self-cleaned. Yeah yeah, I know. We are to do all that we do for the glory of God, and that includes housekeeping and cooking for our families, but I am a work in progress, and it's going to take me a while to come around on that.

All in all, I know that I have to change my perspective. I often think that just because something is work it means that it's a job, but that's not true. And honestly if all I see if front of me is a list of jobs, it shows that I am leaving my Savior out of the equation. My God doesn't call me to do jobs, but He does call me to be about my Father's business...that's a calling, not a job.

The Power of Words

I think as an English teacher, sometimes I lose sight of just how powerful words are. I know that sounds contradictory...after all, a big reason that I majored in English is because of my love for the written word. I spend an enormous amount of my time reading essays and writing comments like "awkward wording," "reword sentence for clarity," "your wording is weak," etc. At the heart of my comments is the message that the words that I'm reading somehow lack the power, the umph, the convey the writer's full meaning and intent. The words lack passion. However, I think often that I fall into the trap of looking at words technically instead of intrinsicially. Recently I have been reminded, however, that I need to constantly consider the power of one's words, especially my own. A good friend gave me a book for Christmas, The Book Thief. Let me just say....it is amazing! In a nutshell, it's the story of Nazi Germany told by a very interesting narrator---death. This book reminded me that one man's words were so powerful that he was able to convince an entire nation to rise up and annihilate an entire citizen group from their population. One man was able to use his words to brainwash his nation into believing that their lives were being endangered by their very neighbors. This man was even able to fool the rest of the world for a time.
This really reminded me that although many say that actions speak louder than words, and true his words would have meant nothing had actions not followed them, but our words usually reflect our actions. As a wife, mother, and teacher, I realize that my words do hold a lot of power. I have the power to edify, to teach, to minister, to share, to love. But so often, maybe because I'm tired or stressed out or busy, my words often tear down, are selfish and show anything but love. My words often reflect my irritability. My words often reflect darkness rather than God's light. I may not use my words to rise up a nation or a military, but I do use my words to influence the world around me, and it would benefit me to remember exactly how much power those words possess.

Power Doubters and Praise Poopers

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head at the current moment that could have turned themselves into a blog post, but I really am going to try to focus despite my tendency for the random. This week we have had revival at church, and it has been pretty amazing. Last night Mike Whitson, our revival preacher, talked about groups of people---power doubters and praise poopers. At first sight, these are funny terms. And seriously who wants to fall into either of these categories, but upon closer inspection, I find that all too often I fall into both. First off, Power Doubters are those who have little faith in God's Power---God's power to heal the sick, God's power to restore the broken, God's power to uplift the downtrodden. I am ashamed to admit that so often I doubt God's power. I tell myself (not so much with words, but rather with my actions) that I have to rely on my power, but I can't heal, restore or uplift anything. In fact, I can't even be an encouragement to those around me without God's power flowing through me. I can't make it through a single day without God's power. In my own strength, I can do nothing, but in God's strength, I can do all things. Why is that so hard to remember?
The second group, Praise Poopers, I would often deny membership of....afterall I love Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. I love some Wow Praise. And I certainly believe that people can praise God in a multitude of ways and in a multitude of places. But how often do I rain on the praise parade of others? People have to open their umbrellas simply because I am in their presence. Rather than delighting in their praise, I question it. Again I may not do this verbally...I mean seriously, what kind of person would speak up and question another's praise. But so often, in my attitude and thoughts, I may question someone's intentions for lifting her hands during worship, or discount a praise report mentioned in Sunday school, or even become jealous as a close friend shares a positive and uplifting experience in her life when I am having an awful week. I am a Praise Pooper.
I am finding, as I think on these things today, that I really don't like being around Power Doubters and Praise Poopers. I like to be around people who laugh and have a good time. I like being around people who encourage me and remind me of God's power and sovereignty. And I don't want doubt God's power or poop on anyone's praise anymore! You see, last night at church, I saw these two groups as completely separate, but they're not. If I have complete faith in power of my Holy God and I trust in His sovereignty over EVERY circumstance in my life, then I won't be a praise pooper; I will be a Praise Lifter. And I really believe that the more that I Praise Him who has created the universe, saved my soul, and poured out His blessings on me in innumerable ways, I will no longer be a Power Doubter; I will be a Power Believer.

Which stage is the best?

Anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that just having a rounded belly gives people an amazing sense of liberty to offer up advice about parenting. Much of the advice is frankly pretty stupid and deals more with enjoying the last few weeks of childfree living. For example, in my opinion, the most pointless advice ever....Get plenty of sleep now while you can. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. First of all what pregnant woman can sleep at the end of her pregnancy? And secondly, can we like bottle up rest so that during that when we're exhausted at 3 am, we can take it off the shelf and get replinished? But I digress since this blog really has nothing to do with bad advice but rather a piece of good advice that has stuck with me.
While I was pregnant with Rebekah, my friend Sarah had a conversation with her mom. It went something like this: Sarah--Mom what was your favorite stage while we were growing up? Mom--Every stage was my favorite.
As Sarah related this conversation to me, it challenged me. I really wanted to try to enjoy every stage of Rebekah's life. I didn't want to pick favorites. But after she was born, when I was exhausted (obviously because I didn't rest enough prior to delivery) and holding this little stranger, I found that I didn't really enjoy the sleepless nights and the endless hours of breastfeeding. I didn't really like that I used to be able to get out of the house in a matter of seconds with only a purse and my keys when now I was late for everything and prayed for extra arms. But as she grew bigger (and I got more sleep), I really started to enjoy her first smile, her first laugh, her wrapping her fingers around mine on purpose, and all the other joys of parenthood. Now as Matthew is going through a lot of these same firsts, I'm trying to slow down and enjoy this phase in his life because it's all so fleeting. I'm also trying to focus not so much on the occasional temper tantrums that Rebekah will throw but rather on all the ways that she brightens up my life and makes me laugh. I love seeing her relationship with Matthew develop. I love being able to have conversations with her and actually understand what she's saying. I love being able to sit in the chair and snuggle Matthew up against me and see him smile when I lift him out of his crib every morning.
Is everyday a great day? Of course not. Is every stage super fun? No. But I am learning to see each stage as my favorite and to make memories with my children while I can. I don't want to be so busy waiting for them to crawl and walk and ride a bike and use the potty and start kindergarten, etc. that I miss out on all the things that they are doing today. I want to enjoy every minute and delight in my little ones.